husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
we’re gonna need another temp
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!