The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Pringle鈥檚: Once you pop, the fun don鈥檛 stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle鈥檚 shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It鈥檚 true I鈥檓 having the time of my life
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
This is Facts right here 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
馃幎Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me馃幎
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it鈥檚 partly my fault he didn鈥檛 do them
me: then you can lose screens too
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn鈥檛鈥擨 don鈥檛 know anything about that
She鈥檚 a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that鈥檚 an option?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.