I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.