There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Best spot.. 😅
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol