Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
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I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.