I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…