Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.