Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Sounds like a bargain
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
These aliens are taking forever.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.