[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
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Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
If snakes were wide
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
The asteroid..
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?