Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
What the hell happened here.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.