before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You Might Also Like
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I mean…but I did
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van