ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
This one’s “Alex”.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.