3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Breaking news:
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july