3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol