Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.