There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
🤭😂
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police: