I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Yup….perfect score!
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake