i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
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I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.