And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
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Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Every work call, he judges.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”