ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.