When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
the three branches of government
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*