Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Duolingo getting serious.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.