A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
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Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.