Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
selena gomez
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own