I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.