And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
You Might Also Like
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
lost dog
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.