When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
classic mixup
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’m a self-made hundredaire