*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
? 💀
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village