So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.