Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.