They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
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[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
The booster protects against what, now?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I feel seen
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.