Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“OMGJK” -atheists
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms