You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Guilty! 🤪
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
i dont have time for this
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.