My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend