every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist