I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
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It’s the weekend y’all
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy