Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
A French press is when you hug naked
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.