ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.