Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I would move hell over six inches for you
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Tell me you get it…🤣
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
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