I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.