I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Who says great literature is dead?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
This forever.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.