therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
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My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Support your local cemetery
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days