*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
What even happened today?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I want what they have
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
SCARY COSTUME
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”