I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Time heals everything 🙂
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
That’s not how days work.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.