when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
absolute chaos
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.