I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
do u think theres a butter planet?
I falcon love using swear birds
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.