*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on