I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.