[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.