My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.